I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
