you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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