from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
smell my finger.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
