i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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