I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
