please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
