If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
