If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
