I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
