I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
