New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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