I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
