Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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