I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Everclear isn't food dammit
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
