I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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