Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
