Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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