All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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