I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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