last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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