Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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