hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
