Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
