I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
