at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
