We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I can't turn off my feet"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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