He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
