I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
