in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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