Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
