im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
