got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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