im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
