seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
