i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
