I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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