My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
