The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
