how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
