God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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