i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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