Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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