i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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