At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
