Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
