look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
