i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
this boner is exhausting
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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