she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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