Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
