I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I know her cup size but not her name....
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